Mу mother һаѕ always bееח very controlling over myself аחԁ mу father. I аm аח οחƖу child аחԁ аm јυѕt beginning tο рƖοt mу wedding fοr next year. Sһе doesn’t agree wіtһ tһе decisions I аm mаkіחɡ fοr mу wedding аחԁ һаѕ mаԁе several comments alluding tο tһе fact tһаt ѕһе won’t contribute tο tһе wedding іf ѕһе doesn’t Ɩіkе іt οr feels іt іѕ tοο expensive. I’ve estimated tһе total cost οf tһе wedding аחԁ reception around 5,000 аחԁ ѕһе thinks іt іѕ tοο much. I want tο аррrοасһ tһіѕ аѕ аח adult, bυt mу mom refuses tο communicate аt tһе slightest hint οf confrontation(perpetual ѕіƖеחt treatment). I’m worried tһаt іt іѕ going tο come tο tһе top wһеrе I refuse mу parents’ һеƖр ѕο tһаt wе саח һаνе tһе wedding wе want. Wе һаνе enough money tο pay fοr іt οח ουr οwח. I don’t want tο exclude һеr, bυt іt ѕһουƖԁ bе up υѕ аѕ tο һοw ουr wedding іѕ рƖοttеԁ–חοt mу mom. Dοеѕ anyone һаνе experience wіtһ tһіѕ?
Tags: adult, confrontation, decisions, mom, parents, silent treatment
Luckily this wasn’t my personal experience, but I’ve known several couples who have had to deal with controlling parents.
In the longrun, who has the gold makes the rules. If mom pays, open fire on have a measure of control over how the day goes and what you choose.
If you’ve got the cash available, then tell her you’re paying for your own wedding. Tell your parents thanks for the offer, but you’ve chose it’s vital for you as a couple to pay your own way on this. Then all the decisions are up to you and she doesn’t have a say.
After all, someone who thinks $5000 is unreasonable for a wedding in this day and age and who thinks the proper way to conduct a discussion is to fall silent until the other party gives in and agrees with her isn’t someone I’d want as a preparation partner.
Approach this as an adult and pay for it yourself. Your mother’s money doesn’t sound worth it.
i reckon we share a mother.
the best thing… pay for the wedding yourself. i cant afford to pay for my wedding, so my mom gets to have the wedding she’s always wanted. i questioned her when i can have a wedding i want, and she told me when your daughter will get married. i spent the first 4 months of my date crying anf yelling, and its not worth it… pay for it., or let her do her thing.
im sorry this had to happen to yyou.
Question her her budget for YOUR wedding. Then question her what strings are attached.
Honestly you really may be better off paying for your own wedding.
if you can’t talk to her write her a letter and give it to her in person. it’s your wedding and you deserve to have what you want. but also remember you are your mothers only child and she cares a lot about the wedding. try to compromise with a small of what you want and a small what she wants. [[don't leave out the groom haha.]] and do your research to figure out the cheapest thoughts and accessories for your wedding. excellent luck and don’t stress.
i would definately pay for it, and tell her that you are going to do what you want to do.
its your wedding, and its not your fault she didnt get to have her way when she got married.
if you just roll over and let her take over, she will always do that to you forever.
you have to stick up to her.
just say "mom, i am preparation my wedding on my own, and if that means i have to pay for it on my own, then thats fine."
excellent luck.
I guess the one way is just to tell her that you care about her opinions and know where she is coming from but there are some things that you just dont like and you want her to help with everything but you want to have your own things there that your mom doesnt.
I reckon it’s time to cut the cord. This is very common with Mother’s in general, my husband’s mother was a nightmare. She made me really miserable. I do reckon you should pay for the wedding and let her handle a touch else like the rehersal dinner, date party, shower etc. You have to clarify to her that you have a new person in your life and want to include him on the plans too. Give her the job of the cake, or making the pillows. My mother is very controlling and it has taken me years to realize sometimes "daughters" have a hard time letting go too. This is going to be an adjustment for everyone, just don’t let it effect your marriage.
Pay for it yourself and cut her out of the preparation administer. Once she realizes she has lost control (which I hope by now she is already coming to realize-you are an adult) she will beg to be invited to things like dress fittings and cake/wine tastings. This is your wedding. You have 100% control (well you and your hubby-to-be). If she offers money accept it with much gratitude. Tell her you hope she has a fantastic time at the wedding. Be nice, but be firm.
excellent luck!
register at http://www.theknot.com first and use the budget application to show her exactly where her moeny will go. ook around at other marriage websites for other estimates of costs as well. she may not realize how cheap 5k is (that’s how much mine was and I don’t know how we could’ve done it for any less). she may be more encouraging with that if she knows your spending is not going to get out of control.
then, talk to her about her own wedding. question her what the 3 best and worst thoughts were, what she would have changed, and what she loved. talk to her about how much she liked preparation it or didn’t like it, and tell her you really are looking forward to preparation yours.
see if you can find some things that she can handle entirely. you can out her in charge of finding a place that carried the flowers you want, helping you find the bridesmaid dresses, contacting caterers that offer the style of food you want, etc. don’t just turn her down, she can be an incredible asset.
any time she gets too controling, remind her that you’re thankful she is offering to pay for the wedding but let her know exactly what you would prefer. if you’ve got reasons not to like one of her suggestions, tell her. if she thinks you should supply tons of meat but you don’t want to, tell her you need to have a vegetarian option or two. if she thinks you should hire a band but you want a DJ, express your concern that it won’t get your friends dancing and socializing the way you want.
basically, remidnd her nicely that it is YOUR wedding, she had hers, but that you appreciate that she wants to help.
Tell her she had her wedding and now its your turn it is YOUR wedding and you are the one who is getting married and will have it in your memories and if she wants to control a wedding so terrible then to get remarried. Dont let her take control or you will unhappiness it forever just tell her how you feel but be firm!
You said you’re the only child. So it seems as even if your mother is having a hard time letting go of you and accepting the fact that you’re an adult. Her input, her fiscal contributions and her say so about this wedding makes her still feel needed by you. So she may be in a bit of disowning that you can do all this without her. Although you like and appreciate your mother, she is having a hard time accepting that you don’t need her help as a child would. You need her help as a women, which doesn’t encompass her making decisions FOR you, but making decisions WITH you.
She is just concerned about letting u out the nest. She has all excellent intentions in mind I’m sure. I reckon she is just worried about u guys getting into a lot of debt and this wedding putting a hamper on you guys financially once the wedding is over.
Let her know that this is one of the most pleased moments of your life that you want to share with her. But how can you guys share such a prescious moment with all these unresolved issues and confrontations. She may say, "well its not because of me, its because of you." If she does, let her know you appreciate her input and you’re pleased she wants to be a part of this, But that its you and "Larry" walking down the isle. So there are certain things she will have austerely have to accept you and "Larry’s" descisions about. Let her know she has held your hand owing to childhood on up, but now you need her to stand beside you owing to this special bonding time. (So she won’t feel like your abandoing her) Tell her you know she wants whats best for you but it would mean so much more if she would start making decsions WITH you instead of trying to make them FOR you. Do this with me mom, not for me.
Do your best to accurate with this so it can be in the back of her mind.
If this still doesn’t work, tell her you’re still glad to have someone as passionate about this as you are and you’d like to have her do this with you and not for you. Leave on a excellent note and let her know that you like her.
Trust me, by this time it will sink in a bit, but she just hasn’t come to full terms with it. Let it digest with her for a small. Don’t leave fuming or arguing with her about this because it will be more trying for her to see your side.
Your mother has a lot to digest. This is a hard pill for her to swallow. So give it a day or two and I’m sure open fire on come around.
I have argued with my dad for hours about things. He was so insensitive and even mocked what I was expressing to him. I stormed out and left and was so upset and told myself I despised him. But to my surprise, he called the next day and said he thought about what I said and I was aptly.
Give it time. Give her her space to absorb all this. But please leave on a positive note with what I suggested. It will reinforce to her that you have maturity, you know how to handle yourself and that most of all, you’re an adult.
i have seen this several times happen. you said yourself that you are willing and are able to pay for you wedding i say do that pick up a odd job for weekends ie waitress it does seem degrading but if you can work friday sat an sunday you can make at a decent place 200.00 for the weekend and place that toward you wedding same with your soon to be you might afford a much nicer wedding with a mindset plot like that and invite family and friends but if mom still is a stickler toward you folks dont invite her personal friends that you do not know and if so make mom pay for inventations and there meals but if mom goes with the flow pay for there things mom sould toot a diffrent horn
tell your mom that it is your one and only wedding i hope and you wont to do it the way you and soon to be other half wonts it and you wont her to be pleased for you not try to make it the way she wonts it. she has had hers its your turn now. can.grad be pleased
I know where you’re coming from, I too am an only child who had extremely controlling parents. Just trust me on this one, hindsight is 20/20. If you don’t stand up for yourself now, your mother will be trying to control you for the rest of your life, it won’t stop at your wedding, if you have kids someday, open fire on be trying to control how you bring to somebody’s attention them. And your future husband will very likely get sick of you being so loyal to her and not him. Question yourself, is she (annoying) controlling, or (abusive) controlling? If it’s the latter, you may have to be really assertive with her. Really reckon owing to how you are going to deal with her. Some parents you can talk to, some there is no talking to. Also, if she is abusive, try reading Dr. Laura’s book, Terrible Childhood, Excellent Life. Hope this helps!
Make a deal with her - let her have her way with certain elements of the wedding that you can let go of, in exchange for her support for your choices. Remind her of this deal whenever she deviates from encouraging.
Unfortunately some mothers perceive a daughter’s wedding as a way of fulfilling their own desires. If you give her a few things that she can control than hopefully it will be enough to let her delight in just being there as a mom during this joyous (and stressful) time.
congratulations (and I had the same problem)
Avoid all the mental games and headaches caught up call it off to get everyone off your back, everybody knows best about everything [ they know more and more about less and less until they know everything about nothing ] and your feelings DO NOT even regard !!!!!!!!!!!!!! ELOPE !!!!!!!!!!! that is what I told my daughter, she did . When they came back she had a huge smile on her face and told me " dad that was the best advice ever. Her mother was furious, that all aptly we had been separated for 18 year’s.
option 2, Don’t worry about the friction just tell her out aptly.
!! MOM THIS IS A VERY SPECIAL DAY IN MY LIFE AND YOU ARE NOT GOING TO RUIN IT FOR US< I WOULD LIKE YOU INVOLVED BUT IT IS MINE NOT YOUR"S, open fire on have to get over it and it should help your relationship with her in the future, it might even help out poor pop ?
As a wedding planner, I have come across this kind of thing very often. Mom’s want a say in their daughter’s wedding. Some of this is controlling, and some of it is simple dread of exclusion. My advise to you is you are an adult. If you can afford to pay for your own wedding, why is it even an come forth?
No where is it written that parents should pay for a wedding for their adult family. That being said, you need to pay for your own wedding, make your own decisions and tell your Mom that you are going to do so. There is no need to exclude her after the fact. Question her advice. Take it if you like it, if you don’t, go on and feel free to do your own thing. No need to fuss with her about it. Just let it go and remember, your wedding is just one day, not your whole life.