Its really down to the couple. My son is getting married next year to a really wonderful girl. I would never presume to be caught up but luckily she has caught up me in everything and for this I feel truly honoured. As it turns out I am making her dress as well as the bridesmaid dresses and waistcoats for my son and best man. I am also making the wedding cake and favours. I bought my family up as a single parent, but remarried a couple of years ago. I am not in a position to give much financially, but by doing what I am I am saving them a small chance. My other son got married 2 years ago and I was caught up but not to the extent that I am now. I made his wedding cake and favours and was questioned my opinion on food etc.
Not much except questioned. Your mom should shine. Depends on how well you like you inlaw and may want to question her for help in some way.
Just don’t let her out do or out shine your mom. The hurt will never go away
Hi. It really depends on the bride. Some on here want NO part of the groom’s mother being caught up in anything….nothing…period. Others are pleased to include their future mother-in-law. It’s all up to the bride.
I know for my wedding I dont want either my mother or my mother in law too caught up in preparation the wedding….
Of course I want them to help me make decisions, come with me to choose the cake and decoration etc. I want them with me when I choose my dress etc but I want my partner and I to be the ones who make all the final decisions!
Also - I want my parnter and I to be the ones who choose on the venue, the menu, the band and most importantly the guest list!
I want a small-ish wedding and I know my future mother in law will want to invite everyone she has ever known and I wont stand for that - neither of our parents are being caught up in writing the guest list - that is our choice!
I reckon the groom’s mother can be caught up as small or as much as you like! I reckon it would be nice to have her included a small, after all - she is family but I dont reckon either parent should get final say on anything - especially if they arent paying for it!
If they are contributing money then perhaps they should get more of a say - I dont know…I dont expect any money from our parents so I dont expect them to make decisions….
It really depends. Once upon a time, there were clearcut definitions of which side of the family paid for (and generally, by extension, had input on) which parts of the wedding. But usually the ancient rules don’t apply any more, for a million reasons.
For example, when the rules were place in place, usually women didn’t work and didn’t bring in an income. Men would be more established as, until honestly recently in description (the past 40-50 years or so), the man was often, or usually, at least several years grown-up than his bride, and not uncommonly 10 or more years grown-up. (Today, in the U.S., grooms are still grown-up than brides on mean, but only by a couple of years.) So that made a difference in who "could" pay for what.
Also, when the rules were place in place, men and women generally didn’t live together first, and were starting with nothing.
Doubtless most vital of all, it was an "exchange" and a way of balancing, supposedly, in a family that might have both boys and girls.
Okay. All that said, today, it is really up to you how caught up you want your future MIL to be, and up to her how caught up she tries to be. It’s tough and can be a touchy subject. Feelings get hurt, threats get made ("If we can’t help you pick out the flowers, we’re not paying for them," etc.). So tread wisely. I’m attaching an article just for general reference. It’s about who pays for what, but again, those are the things that usually come with the "input" stipulation attached.
I guess it would really depend on how much the bride and groom want her to be caught up in. How much she is contributing to the wedding and how much she wants to be caught up herself. Every situation is different. IF she is crowding your space you need to tell her nicely. If she is paying for everything, you still need to tell her very nicely to back off a small. You should be able to plot your own wedding with some help from family and friends.
I’ve really questioned my FMIL to help me plot the wedding, because she’s had experience in preparation weddings before.
But really, It’s up to you to choose if you want her to help you plot or not.
Excellent Luck!
My fiance’s mother is nearly as copy in preparation as my mother. She lives with my fiance and I (in our house) so I would feel mean leaving her out- she is very sweet and we get along very well. My parents are giving us about $3000 toward the wedding as an early wedding gift and she is not contributing but buying us a nice dining room table as a wedding gift (she is retired, and lives on a tight retirement fund- she will be moving out before the wedding and small on cash). Neither mother has veto power.
I invited her to come with my mother and grandma to look at my wedding dress, and I will invite her to as much as possible as preparation goes further (we still have a year). I want her to feel caught up - this is her first and maybe only child to marry (others are bachelors in late 30’s).
It’d doubtless be different if she was opinionated or pushy- but she’s not so it works well…
It varies a lot depending on the bride’s relationship with the groom’s mother, the groom’s mother’s interest in doing wedding preparation with the bride, whether the groom’s family is contributing the habitual parts like the rehearsal dinner and transportation, and whether the groom’s family has a substantial guest list such that they ought to be doing a touch for the wedding.
Some groom’s mothers have gone along with the bride and her mother to dress fittings, etc.
My case was weird because my adoptive mom who raised me had died, my bio mom chose to have plastic surgery the week of my wedding, my dad said he’d pay for whatever but did not want to do any wedding errands, and my other female relatives lived far away.
My husband’s mother invited my father and me to dinner at her house where she served us incredibly dry roast beef and just didn’t clean and the whole thing was not very special at all. But she’s a nice lady and questioned me politely what she should wear to the wedding, and did proceed to buy a very nice dress and hat.
It all depends on your relationship with your husband’s mother.
The groom’s parents pay for the liquor at the reception but generally have limited involvement in the wedding plans. Today many groom’s parents are contributing or even paying for the wedding/receptions. If so they have a aptly to have imput in the plans copy to the cash they are putting into it.
The rehersal dinner is the groom’s mother’s time to shine so to speak. This dinner can be anything from potluck on the dinning room table to an affair near the size and scope of the reception itself.
I reckon she can become involded when inviting his side of the family is concerned.Other then that I reckon it is entirely up to you and the groom to deal with the wedding preparation.But generally it is really all up to the bridezilla..lol
My husband and I are the parents of the groom. The date was announced to us over a year ago. We were surprised as we didn’t even know our son was in a serious relationship! He is 30 now. We retired and went out of disorder south over 500 miles from where he is living. They visited once and on their second visit surprised us with the an announcement. When they left I graciously told both of them to let us know how we could help. In October we received a copy of the invitation which was for a Disney cruise and Island wedding. No mention as to who on our side of the family was invited. (They did question for a list of family members for announcements at one top but that was it.)The entire trip will cost accurate to $4500 at least. Most folks are unable to attend and we were informed that they just didn’t care who attended or not because the wedding was for them. We were not told the bride’s parents names or even where to contact them. Now we know that they are preparation a reception sometime after the honeymoon. No one has questioned whether we want to include members of our family on the list. We would not mind helping out with the wedding reception if we could invite at least a few of our family. Her mother is single and living with a man.
I feel since she has gone ahead and plotted everything that it is just plain inconsiderate. We have questioned our son to invite them down to our home as a vacation weekend ( we live in a resort area). He said they are not retired and doubtless couldn’t make it. I am upset that he himself and his fiance have not suggested a way for us to meet. The bottom line here is that the mother and father of the groom should at least be given a chance to offer the help. If they are really excluded they will certainly be hurt and that’s no way to start a marriage.
Set up a dinner for both sets of parents and see if the groom’s parents want to invite some family members. They won’t out shine the bride’s mother if they have any kind of acumen.
They are usually not caught up much. Traditionally, they pay much less than the Brides family therefore, have less say in the plans. Its typical for the grooms family to sort the rehearsal dinner, maybe honeymoon, bouquets and transportation. My in laws are doing all this. My FMIL is not very caught up even if. I am currently living in England but getting married back home ( USA) so its very hard for even me to plot overseas. Its even harder for her to try and get caught up. Even if, I try and include her in everything. Whenever I do a touch wedding related over here ( i.e. alternative BMs dresses and going to wedding fairs) she has come with me. Basically, I reckon people will be as caught up as they want to be. Some people are cursed with a controlling FMIL and some with ones that dont support the union… i reckon my FMIL is aptly in the middle and im pleased shes been so encouraging and stayed out of the way because between me and my mom…its covered!
In my personal opinion, the grooms mother should have just as much say as the bride’s mother. It’s an copy partnership between the bride and groom, why should one side have more input than the other.
She’s caught up to whatever extent she’s paying for. If she’s contributing half the funds for the wedding, she gets half the say. Whoever holds the purse strings makes the decisions.
If she’s not paying for anything, then she’s caught up to whatever extent the person paying (bride and groom, bride’s parents, whoever) feels comfortable having her caught up.
I always even if that both sets of parents are in some way included one way or the other on the whole thing - be it large or small. Even if, my man doesn’t like his mom to be caught up in preparation (or anything that has to do w/ him) for that matter because he said his mom has a tendency to pressure and weep and tell all of their relatives when she can’t get her way.
In fact, in his brother’s wedding, all of the aunts, his mom’s friends, as well as me knows about his mom’s issues w/ the wedding (she wants it in a church, the couple wants it to be civil wedding, the thought that she thinks that she must be consulted and give her approval before the couple make a choice in the preparation etc.) and since my man witnessed that first hand, and the fact that his mom tends to be very controlling - he never wants to include her in the preparation of a wedding, or any major decisions in his life.
It’s really up to the bride. Personally, I know when the time come I’ll want my boyfriend’s mom to be caught up, because I really do like her and reckon the world of her. Also, she has two sons and no daughters - she will never get to have the fun of being mother of the bride. How could I maybe exclude her from the fun things like dress fittings and stuff, when I know she’s always thought of me as a daughter from day one? (And we’re not even engaged yet!)
Even if you’re not super accurate to your FMIL, it might be nice to include her at least somewhat - open fire on be family soon, and it’s a nice gesture.
As far as I know, they don’t do any preparation at all. But its modern times, and it is nice (if their nice!) for them to get caught up, especially if they have no daughter.
Its really down to the couple. My son is getting married next year to a really wonderful girl. I would never presume to be caught up but luckily she has caught up me in everything and for this I feel truly honoured. As it turns out I am making her dress as well as the bridesmaid dresses and waistcoats for my son and best man. I am also making the wedding cake and favours. I bought my family up as a single parent, but remarried a couple of years ago. I am not in a position to give much financially, but by doing what I am I am saving them a small chance. My other son got married 2 years ago and I was caught up but not to the extent that I am now. I made his wedding cake and favours and was questioned my opinion on food etc.
The grooms parent would pay for extra things that they want … for example an open bar .
Not much except questioned. Your mom should shine. Depends on how well you like you inlaw and may want to question her for help in some way.
Just don’t let her out do or out shine your mom. The hurt will never go away
Hi. It really depends on the bride. Some on here want NO part of the groom’s mother being caught up in anything….nothing…period. Others are pleased to include their future mother-in-law. It’s all up to the bride.
I know for my wedding I dont want either my mother or my mother in law too caught up in preparation the wedding….
Of course I want them to help me make decisions, come with me to choose the cake and decoration etc. I want them with me when I choose my dress etc but I want my partner and I to be the ones who make all the final decisions!
Also - I want my parnter and I to be the ones who choose on the venue, the menu, the band and most importantly the guest list!
I want a small-ish wedding and I know my future mother in law will want to invite everyone she has ever known and I wont stand for that - neither of our parents are being caught up in writing the guest list - that is our choice!
I reckon the groom’s mother can be caught up as small or as much as you like! I reckon it would be nice to have her included a small, after all - she is family but I dont reckon either parent should get final say on anything - especially if they arent paying for it!
If they are contributing money then perhaps they should get more of a say - I dont know…I dont expect any money from our parents so I dont expect them to make decisions….
It really depends. Once upon a time, there were clearcut definitions of which side of the family paid for (and generally, by extension, had input on) which parts of the wedding. But usually the ancient rules don’t apply any more, for a million reasons.
For example, when the rules were place in place, usually women didn’t work and didn’t bring in an income. Men would be more established as, until honestly recently in description (the past 40-50 years or so), the man was often, or usually, at least several years grown-up than his bride, and not uncommonly 10 or more years grown-up. (Today, in the U.S., grooms are still grown-up than brides on mean, but only by a couple of years.) So that made a difference in who "could" pay for what.
Also, when the rules were place in place, men and women generally didn’t live together first, and were starting with nothing.
Doubtless most vital of all, it was an "exchange" and a way of balancing, supposedly, in a family that might have both boys and girls.
Okay. All that said, today, it is really up to you how caught up you want your future MIL to be, and up to her how caught up she tries to be. It’s tough and can be a touchy subject. Feelings get hurt, threats get made ("If we can’t help you pick out the flowers, we’re not paying for them," etc.). So tread wisely. I’m attaching an article just for general reference. It’s about who pays for what, but again, those are the things that usually come with the "input" stipulation attached.
I guess it would really depend on how much the bride and groom want her to be caught up in. How much she is contributing to the wedding and how much she wants to be caught up herself. Every situation is different. IF she is crowding your space you need to tell her nicely. If she is paying for everything, you still need to tell her very nicely to back off a small. You should be able to plot your own wedding with some help from family and friends.
I’ve really questioned my FMIL to help me plot the wedding, because she’s had experience in preparation weddings before.
But really, It’s up to you to choose if you want her to help you plot or not.
Excellent Luck!
My fiance’s mother is nearly as copy in preparation as my mother. She lives with my fiance and I (in our house) so I would feel mean leaving her out- she is very sweet and we get along very well. My parents are giving us about $3000 toward the wedding as an early wedding gift and she is not contributing but buying us a nice dining room table as a wedding gift (she is retired, and lives on a tight retirement fund- she will be moving out before the wedding and small on cash). Neither mother has veto power.
I invited her to come with my mother and grandma to look at my wedding dress, and I will invite her to as much as possible as preparation goes further (we still have a year). I want her to feel caught up - this is her first and maybe only child to marry (others are bachelors in late 30’s).
It’d doubtless be different if she was opinionated or pushy- but she’s not so it works well…
It varies a lot depending on the bride’s relationship with the groom’s mother, the groom’s mother’s interest in doing wedding preparation with the bride, whether the groom’s family is contributing the habitual parts like the rehearsal dinner and transportation, and whether the groom’s family has a substantial guest list such that they ought to be doing a touch for the wedding.
Some groom’s mothers have gone along with the bride and her mother to dress fittings, etc.
My case was weird because my adoptive mom who raised me had died, my bio mom chose to have plastic surgery the week of my wedding, my dad said he’d pay for whatever but did not want to do any wedding errands, and my other female relatives lived far away.
My husband’s mother invited my father and me to dinner at her house where she served us incredibly dry roast beef and just didn’t clean and the whole thing was not very special at all. But she’s a nice lady and questioned me politely what she should wear to the wedding, and did proceed to buy a very nice dress and hat.
It all depends on your relationship with your husband’s mother.
The groom’s parents pay for the liquor at the reception but generally have limited involvement in the wedding plans. Today many groom’s parents are contributing or even paying for the wedding/receptions. If so they have a aptly to have imput in the plans copy to the cash they are putting into it.
The rehersal dinner is the groom’s mother’s time to shine so to speak. This dinner can be anything from potluck on the dinning room table to an affair near the size and scope of the reception itself.
I reckon she can become involded when inviting his side of the family is concerned.Other then that I reckon it is entirely up to you and the groom to deal with the wedding preparation.But generally it is really all up to the bridezilla..lol
My husband and I are the parents of the groom. The date was announced to us over a year ago. We were surprised as we didn’t even know our son was in a serious relationship! He is 30 now. We retired and went out of disorder south over 500 miles from where he is living. They visited once and on their second visit surprised us with the an announcement. When they left I graciously told both of them to let us know how we could help. In October we received a copy of the invitation which was for a Disney cruise and Island wedding. No mention as to who on our side of the family was invited. (They did question for a list of family members for announcements at one top but that was it.)The entire trip will cost accurate to $4500 at least. Most folks are unable to attend and we were informed that they just didn’t care who attended or not because the wedding was for them. We were not told the bride’s parents names or even where to contact them. Now we know that they are preparation a reception sometime after the honeymoon. No one has questioned whether we want to include members of our family on the list. We would not mind helping out with the wedding reception if we could invite at least a few of our family. Her mother is single and living with a man.
I feel since she has gone ahead and plotted everything that it is just plain inconsiderate. We have questioned our son to invite them down to our home as a vacation weekend ( we live in a resort area). He said they are not retired and doubtless couldn’t make it. I am upset that he himself and his fiance have not suggested a way for us to meet. The bottom line here is that the mother and father of the groom should at least be given a chance to offer the help. If they are really excluded they will certainly be hurt and that’s no way to start a marriage.
Set up a dinner for both sets of parents and see if the groom’s parents want to invite some family members. They won’t out shine the bride’s mother if they have any kind of acumen.
They are usually not caught up much. Traditionally, they pay much less than the Brides family therefore, have less say in the plans. Its typical for the grooms family to sort the rehearsal dinner, maybe honeymoon, bouquets and transportation. My in laws are doing all this. My FMIL is not very caught up even if. I am currently living in England but getting married back home ( USA) so its very hard for even me to plot overseas. Its even harder for her to try and get caught up. Even if, I try and include her in everything. Whenever I do a touch wedding related over here ( i.e. alternative BMs dresses and going to wedding fairs) she has come with me. Basically, I reckon people will be as caught up as they want to be. Some people are cursed with a controlling FMIL and some with ones that dont support the union… i reckon my FMIL is aptly in the middle and im pleased shes been so encouraging and stayed out of the way because between me and my mom…its covered!
She isn’t.
In my personal opinion, the grooms mother should have just as much say as the bride’s mother. It’s an copy partnership between the bride and groom, why should one side have more input than the other.
She’s caught up to whatever extent she’s paying for. If she’s contributing half the funds for the wedding, she gets half the say. Whoever holds the purse strings makes the decisions.
If she’s not paying for anything, then she’s caught up to whatever extent the person paying (bride and groom, bride’s parents, whoever) feels comfortable having her caught up.
I always even if that both sets of parents are in some way included one way or the other on the whole thing - be it large or small. Even if, my man doesn’t like his mom to be caught up in preparation (or anything that has to do w/ him) for that matter because he said his mom has a tendency to pressure and weep and tell all of their relatives when she can’t get her way.
In fact, in his brother’s wedding, all of the aunts, his mom’s friends, as well as me knows about his mom’s issues w/ the wedding (she wants it in a church, the couple wants it to be civil wedding, the thought that she thinks that she must be consulted and give her approval before the couple make a choice in the preparation etc.) and since my man witnessed that first hand, and the fact that his mom tends to be very controlling - he never wants to include her in the preparation of a wedding, or any major decisions in his life.
It’s really up to the bride. Personally, I know when the time come I’ll want my boyfriend’s mom to be caught up, because I really do like her and reckon the world of her. Also, she has two sons and no daughters - she will never get to have the fun of being mother of the bride. How could I maybe exclude her from the fun things like dress fittings and stuff, when I know she’s always thought of me as a daughter from day one? (And we’re not even engaged yet!)
Even if you’re not super accurate to your FMIL, it might be nice to include her at least somewhat - open fire on be family soon, and it’s a nice gesture.
As far as I know, they don’t do any preparation at all. But its modern times, and it is nice (if their nice!) for them to get caught up, especially if they have no daughter.