I love my mom, but we do not see eye to eye on anything! She is the last person I would want to go dress shopping with. I know that we would just argue if I let her try to plan the wedding with me, but I also know that she will be crushed when I tell her that I do not want her involved in the planning. How can I let her down gently?
Tags: eye to eye, mom, shopping
Don’t tell your mom you don’t want her involved in your wedding planning. You can get your point across in a much more positive way, and that’s really hurtful to say it like that.
Instead, try to identify a couple things she can help you with. She can’t be completely worthless! I’m thinking of things like favors, centerpieces, even invites, etc. Then have a chat with her and tell her you’d love to get her ideas on these things, and be specific about colors, etc.
This way, if she mentions dress shopping, you can tell her that’s one of the things you’re doing on your own.
Also, if she’s paying for it, then you definitely have to let her give input on the above and probably more. In that case, she’s the hostess of the event, not you, and if she doesn’t like something, she does have the right to speak out about it.
You are going to have to be straight with her from the utset otherwise it will spiral out of control;. Believe me I know. Dont let you day end in a fisaco
First step, you don’t take her money to pay for the wedding. If you take her money, you must be willing to accept her input.
If bride and groom plan and pay for the wedding themselves, then they can make all final decisions.
But if you accept a parent’s money for wedding expenses, then you must also accept parent’s input.
In your case, honesty is the best policy. Say, "Groom and I have decided to pay for our wedding ourselves. In our planning, we may be making some decisions that you may not like or may not approve, so we don’t feel right about accepting your money. We thank you for your generosity, but we feel it would be best to plan and pay for the wedding ourselves."
Honesty and advance warning are best.
I asked a question about intivting my FML dress shopping yesterday because I was worried about the same thing. Me and my mom have very different views, but this is supposed to be a once in a life time thing and I would not want her to miss it for the world. Just tell your mom, "Mom, I know helping me plan my wedding is important to you, and we both have very different views of how it should be. I would love to include you, but cannot deal with unwarrented stress I want you to be there so we can both have these beautiful memories, but I have to ask that if our opinions collide too much that you just offer your support."
I wouldn’t tell her you don’t want her involved at all. What I would do is determine some maybe more menial duties that you’re not as interested in or don’t have strong feelings about and allow your mother to help you in planning those parts of the wedding, but tell her the big decisions are all you.
You will just have to tell her straight that you are doing all the planning.
BUT think hard. Is there just something small that she could do? Maybe ordering the button holes or doing something minor just to keep her happy.
A) You are the bride and it really is all about you. You should have whatever you want and have whoever you want involved.
However:
B) If you expect her to pay for it you might want to find some compromise. I am a mother and if my daughter said this to me after I gave birth to her and raised her, I would be crushed. I suggest you tell her how you feel and agree to boundaries with her.
Good luck and Congrats!
Let her be involved, but make sure she knows this is your wedding and you are choosing things you like. There is a happy medium.
Just let her know you value her opinion but you would like to start the planning yourself. Tell her you will share the information you find with her and maybe invite her to come over and look at dresses online but you would rather go to the store yourself to try it on. You can then send her pictures by phone so that she can see you trying on the dresses but not be there to give her opinion.
Also if you have picked some colors out have her go to the store and try to find complimentary colors. She will feel she is helping you and you will still be planning yourself. Tell her to match flower colors with the materials she has found.
Ask her to work on the ceremony timeline and then the reception timeline. This will keep her very busy and she won’t want to bother you with anything else.
It gives her something to do with planning and gives you freedom.
Cant you just tell her exactly that!
Let her go with you but tell her you are choosing, it is such an important time for you r parents too even though it is your big day
I bet you tell her to not give an opinion then she will. She wont want to miss out on it!
My daughter and I are this way, we love each other dearly. I would invite her, but just have a talk with her and say now Mom you know how you are but I want you there but this is my decision.
I would be totally crushed if she did not ask me to be there. One of my fondest memories is getting my wedding dress with my Mother. She had little money, but wanted her daughter to have the wedding she did not have. I picked the one she liked because it was on sale and she loved it. She is gone now, but I treasure that memory.
You don’t need to involve your mother, nor do you need to tell her that you’re cutting her out of the planning. You and your fiance go ahead and plan the wedding you want, pay for everything yourselves, and don’t ask your mother for help or suggestions.
If she asks you about your wedding plans, try saying things like:
"[Fiance's name] and I are discussing that, and we will let you know if we need anything."
"We have already picked out our favors/flowers/venue, but I appreciate your thoughts."
"Thank you for the idea. I will discuss it with my fiance."
"That’s a very kind offer, but we prefer to handle that ourselves."
"Thank you, but I have already found the dress I plan to wear."
…then change the subject. Be matter-of-fact, don’t fight with her or get emotional, just thank her for her input and move on.
It might help if you can find a small task to give her, something you aren’t concerned about, just to make her feel involved. Putting together baskets for out-of-town guests, buying a guestbook, something like that.
We had a similar issue when we were planning our wedding. Because my mother and I are not close (and she’s mentally unstable), my therapist recommended these techniques for me to keep my mother at arm’s length. My husband and I handled all of the plans ourselves, deflected my mother’s questions, and gave her the small job of getting corsages for the parents. Not only did it work to keep her at bay, but I felt incredibly empowered.
just don’t tell her or ask her any questions. whenever she says anything just be polite and then do what you want. if she asks when you are going wedding dress shopping together just say sorry such and such and i have already arranged to go on this date and i know that you’re already busy.